Why Moms Need to be Their Daughter's Body Image Role Model

In the Madison episode of X-Weighted Families Season 4, we met her Mom, Michelle. Michelle was struggling to be a role model for her daughter: Madison knew that her mom was unhappy with her appearance. Seeing Michelle change and grow until she was a fantastic role model was powerful and inspiring. “I didn’t start out as a role model and that was something that I was very cogniscant of,” says Michelle, “But I needed Madison to see that I was happy with myself, but that we needed to make getting healthy an everyday part of our lives.”

Dara Chadwick, author of You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies - Even When We Don't Love Our Own says that it is common for moms to criticize their appearance in front of their daughters, without realizing the impact it has on them. “Growing up, I listened to my mom crack jokes and make snide remarks about her body - it hurt me to hear her say those things and I didn't understand why she was saying them. I know now that her humor was a defense mechanism, but the first time someone told me I looked like her, I remember thinking, ‘Well, wait a minute. My mom doesn't like the way she looks. Does that mean she doesn't like the way I look either?’” says Chadwick.

Although you might think that young girls pay more attention to other influences, such as their friends or the women they see portrayed as beautiful on TV, Chadwick says that you, as her mom, really matter.

“She's still watching and filing away what she sees. She's taking her cues from you about what it means to be an adult woman - what you value, how you behave,” says Chadwick, “and here's a secret I learned from talking to adolescent girls for "You'd Be So Pretty If...": Many girls think their moms are pretty and when we criticize ourselves in front of them, it really hurts them.”

In order to help our daughters have a healthy body image, Chadwick says we have to stop beating up on ourselves in front of them. “Remember, she's absorbing not only your comments, but how she sees you treat yourself, too. When we crack jokes at our own expense or criticize ourselves, e.g., "I'm so fat" or "I'm so dumb", it shapes how she'll feel about herself, too. You're not only influencing how she feels about her body as a teenager, but also how she'll feel about her adult body, too,” she says.

Chadwick says we can be good role models by being conscious of the message we're sending through our words and actions. She has the following suggestions for moms:

• Try to make good choices in terms of eating and exercise; in other words, feed your body well, enjoy a treat now and then (guilt-free!) and incorporate movement that you enjoy into your day.
• Let your daughter hear you say something good about yourself every day (e.g., "I like the way my hair looks." "I like the definition in my shoulder muscles"). Even if you don't necessarily believe it, focusing on something good every day teaches her - and you, too - to look for the good in yourself.
• Watch the appearance judgments of other women, too - try to keep your comments positive and not related to weight (e.g., "Boy, Sue looks so healthy and happy," as opposed to "Sue looks like she's lost weight.").
• Above all, let go of the idea that only perfect people deserve to be happy.

Madison really did get a lot out of seeing her mom model healthy behaviours. Another great action Michelle has taken is to be more present for Madison, so that it is all about working towards good health together.

For example, Michelle gets Madison in the kitchen with her to help plan the week’s meals, assist her with meal prep and the two of them pack Madison’s school lunches together. “She always used to make her own lunch and I never looked in it. Now we make our lunches together and if I see that she is making maybe not the best choices I’ll make subtle suggestions,” says Michelle, “it’s not going to be perfect, she is still 11 and is going to like certain things, I just try to be involved.”

 Michelle says that since filming finished, Madison has come a long way. “She has really come in to her own and grown from that experience. It is sad that something as small as being a little overweight can keep a young girl in her shell, but losing that weight has changed her, definitely. I’ve seen a 180 degree turn in her confidence,” she says.